THE DISAPPEARING DUNG BEETLE 3

THE DISAPPEARING DUNG BEETLE (Prt 3 Cont.)

Act 1; Scene 1 (Cont.)

KOURTNEY
Did you tell him everything?

CHELSEA
Yes.

KOURTNEY
You think a "man" in your life is going to make it all better?

CHELSEA
It might!

KOURTNEY
Oh really?  What about Shakespeare?

CHELSEA
That won't be a problem.

KOURTNEY
One "out damn spot" and he's out the door.

CHELSEA
I can handle it.

JEREMY
What's Shakespeare?

KOURTNEY
He doesn't even know who Shakespeare is!

JEREMY
I know who Shakespeare is!  I mean...

KOURTNEY
I know what you meant!  I have a hundred and thirty point I.Q.  I was a Mensa Student and I know that you Miss "Wants her Masters more than anything else in the world" can not handle change!

CHELSEA
I can handle change.

KOURTNEY
Wanna bet?

CHELSEA
I can handle it.

KOURTNEY
One thousand cash.

CHELSEA
Do you have the cash?

KOURTNEY
Do you have the guts?

JEREMY
Listen, I should come back after you…

KOURTNEY
Leaving!  Great idea.

CHELSEA
Stay where you are, Jeremy.

KOURTNEY
Let him leave.

CHELSEA
I want him to stay.

JEREMY
"Him" will come back when...

CHELSEA
Stay right where you are Mister Poker Player because she's bluffing.

KOURTNEY
Don't count on it.

CHELSEA
You've never been away and come home with money.  You're flat broke and you know it.  So you can't bet.

KOURTNEY
And you cannot handle changes in this environment, so I reiterate... wanna bet?

CHELSEA
What do I get if I win?

KOURTNEY
I leave, no agreement.

CHELSEA
What do you get if I win?

KOURTNEY
I stay and you double my salary.

CHELSEA
Okay.

KOURTNEY
It's a bet.

CHELSEA
So?

KOURTNEY
Give me a second.

CHELSEA
What are you gonna do, re-arrange the furniture?

KOURTNEY
No.

Kourtney takes a tissue out of her knapsack.

KOURTNEY
Worse.

She turns and faces Chelsea.

KOURTNEY
See, somewhere between...
(She uses a Texas accent)

Galveston and Port Aransas...
(She drops the accent)

I got a...
(She sneezes three times )

Little old head cold.
(She blows her nose into the handkerchief.)

Now there are germs, millions and millions of germs crawling around on this little handkerchief.
(She turns her back and slowly crosses to Chelsea's bed)

CHELSEA
Don't.

Kourtney drops the handkerchief on the center of the mattress.

KOURTNEY
Deal with it.

Kourtney backs up away from the bed and watches.  Chelsea starts to pace, slowly.

KOURTNEY
Acute viral nasopharyngitis, or acute coryza, usually known as the common cold, is a highly contagious, viral-infectious disease of the upper respiratory system, primarily caused by picornaviruses or coronaviruses.

Chelsea starts to speed up as Kourtney speaks.  Chelsea starts to wring her hands.

KOURTNEY
Common symptoms are sore throat, runny nose, nasal congestion...

CHELSEA
(Softly as she paces)
"The appetite may sicken and so die.  That strain again! It had a dying fall..."

Chelsea's pace quickens and she gets louder.

KOURTNEY
"...sneezing and cough; sometimes accompanied by muscle aches, fatigue, malaise..."

Chelsea is almost frantic.

CHELSEA
"O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound that breathes upon a bank of violets".

KOURTNEY
Headache, muscle weakness, or loss of appetite. Fever and extreme exhaustion are more usual in influenza.

Chelsea freaks.

CHELSEA
(Loud)
"Stealing and giving odor. Enough, no more.  'Tis not so sweet now as it was before."

Chelsea scoops the handkerchief up with a broom into a waste paper basket.  She then strips the bed of all the bedding.  She takes the waste paper basket and sprays it with Lysol, repeating the Shakespeare as she works.  She clumps all the bedding into a big ball and sits exhausted on the floor next to the bed.

KOURTNEY
(Smiling)
I told you so.

JEREMY
That was mean.

KOURTNEY
You haven't seen mean yet.  This was a warm up.  I'll be back for my things.

JEREMY
When?

KOURTNEY
Don't worry.  By that time, you'll be gone.

She turns to Chelsea.

KOURTNEY
Forget the bet.  I don't want the job anymore.  You...

Kourtney heads for the door.

KOURTNEY
(To Chelsea)
Are a mess.

Kourtney opens the door.

KOURTNEY
Pathetic.

Kourtney exits.  Chelsea starts to return to normal.

JEREMY
Shakespeare?

Chelsea gets to her feet.

CHELSEA
I'll understand if you say "no".

Long pause.

JEREMY
Anything else I should know about?

CHELSEA
I can say some rotten things, but I really only mean half of what I say.