GUESS WHO JUST REAR ENDED ME ON VENTURA BLVD?

GUESS WHO JUST REAR ENDED ME ON VENTURA BLVD?

By Tom Cavanaugh 

Hollywood is a crazy place and you never know who you might run into…. OR you never know who might run into you!  The chances that you are going to run into movie star, rock star, porn star or studio executive are pretty good, but the chances that they slam their car into your car are a lot better!

This is not fiction this is reality!

It was just another day in the life of this writer / 9-1-1 operator when I was looking for the perfect valley coffee house where I can write my words and sip Perrier on ice.  I decided to try a new place, a little closer to my apartment at the time and not my usual squat shop or cafe at the corner of Cahuenga and Selma in Hollywood.  I was west bound on Ventura Blvd.  Do you remember the street?  The street's been featured in many movies from FORTY YEAR OLD VIRGIN to VALLEY GIRL, but the street's biggest claim to fame are the lyrics of Tom Petty's FREE FALLIN'…

"All the vampires walkin' through the valley,

Move west down Ventura Blvd." 

So, that's what I was doing, I was following the same flight pattern of Petty's Vampires when I was rear ended by The Prince of Darkness's Wife while stopped at the light in front of The Sportsmen Lodge.  Makes perfect sense, don't it?

Actually The Prince of Darkness's Wife rear-ended her assistant and her assistant rear-ended me!  I still wonder if this A-Lister has it written into her assistants contract as part of her responsibilities, "Feed the dogs, Answer the phones, Drive the kids to Rehab and Take the impact on all vehicular accidents"?  Either way she slammed into her assistant, her assistant slammed into me and despite my foot being securely on the brake pedal, I slammed into the SUV in front of me.

There I was a Korean Kia wedged between the bumpers of three giant American made SUVs (SUV in this case stands for Super Uber heavy metal armored Vehicles… well that's what it felt like.)  I had no idea what had just happened.  I think I was in shock because I was positive I had been 747'd by United to Miami, but no…. everyone was in a monster S.U.V. except me in my $5000 Sunday Special from Glendale Kia.

The lady who I slammed into came out of her truck, looked at me with a face full of sincerity and asked, "Are you okay?  Are you hurt?"

All I could answer was… "I don't know."

I sat there for a few minutes, got myself together and when I came to terms with the fact that I was just rear ended, I reached into my glove box and took out my registration and insurance.  21 years of working in police stations, handling an accident like a pro is something I can do in my sleep.  I grabbed my papers and got out of the car.

The lady who was in front of me did the same, but when I turned around to deal with the other parties, one party wouldn't get out of the car and the other wouldn't look at me, she was just yapping into her cell phone.  It was like they didn't want to come near us, but I could hear her voice, a very identifiable Australian accent, but the 4^th driver, the one who caused the whole thing was still sitting behind the wheel of her car.

Now I'm suspicious.

"No Melinda, we're not hurt.  No Melinda, we're okay.  No Melinda, we're in the rent-a-cars," are the only words I can hear, again in an Australian accent and into the cell phone.  No words towards me the guy she hit, it's all on the phone to someone named MELINDA out there in the ether.

I walk towards my Aussie assailant when she finally looks at me and says, "It's okay, they're rented cars!"

I'm thinking, "Well… maybe yours is, but mine needs to get me to work and it doesn't look like I'll be getting there tonight!"

I pulled out my best Jersey accent and slammed her with "Let's go lady, license and registration!"

"Oh, I have an Australian drivers license," she says.

"Honey, that might fly in Perth, but if you don't have California privileges, an international incident is about to take place," pops out of my mouth.

"Oh Enterprise will handle all this," she says with a smile and the cell phone still attached to her ear.

Once I realized that some high level Hollywood shit is taking place, my mind kicks it up a gear and decides intentionally to trump the A-Lister.  I take my tude from Jersey to New York and blurt out, "I don't give a shit about that lady.  I work for a police department and somebody better start showing me the proper documents and fast or there's gonna be cops and an arrest thrown down real quick!"

Aussie Lady freezes in her tracks and says into the phone, "Melinda he wants the documents."

I have now gone from "concussion shock" to "8^th Avenue pissed off", but my mind is still open enough to hear the name "Melinda… Melinda… Melinda…"

I look towards the last car, but the driver still has not stepped out.  I can see some big sunglasses on the face and some red hair, but no face.

"She's gonna send a picture of the insurance card on my cell phone.  Is that alright?" asks my kangaroo crash test dummy.

"I don't care as long as it's valid.  In the mean time, let's see some driver licenses!" I say in my best NYC traffic cop accent.

Aussie girl spins around and treks to the last crash course vehicle and talks to the driver through the window.

I'm looking at the last car, trying to see what the guilty driver is doing, but I can't get a good look.  I say to the woman I slammed into, "Something's up here," and she responds, but I don't remember what she says.  I take a few steps closer to the car and I start to see the image of someone I think I recognize, when the name pops into my head again, "Melinda… Melinda… Melinda…"

I turn to the other accident victim, "Is that who I think it is behind the wheel of that car?" I ask. 

She answers, "I don't care who it is as long as we get this straightened out."

That's when a hand extends out of the window of the last vehicle and a driver's license is handed over to the Aussie assistant.  I take this as my cue to move.  I walk to the last car and as I'm about to get close enough to can see who the driver is…  the electric window rises up, blocking the image with a dark limo tint on the glass.

No way will I surrender my new ground and as the Aussie girl hands me all the paperwork and drivers licenses, I spin around and lay the documents out on the hood of the at fault party.  I write out the information and yes, I have her drivers license in my hand and it is exactly who I think it is… The Wife of the Prince of Darkness, someone I am a fan of and would love to chat with, but that's not a priority.  All I'm thinking is, "I'm never gonna make it to work with this damage!"

We exchange information and they're waiting for copies of their insurance card from their business office when we move the cars to the side of the road.  I'm not really sure what to do.  I've never been hit by a multi-millionaire, A-Lister before, so, I call my best buddy.

My buddy (Who is also known as Mr Big) also happens to be a great law instructor and a close warm personal friend… lol…. I tell them, "I just got rear ended by the Wife of the Prince of Darkness, what should I do?"

The answer that comes back is… "Are you hurt?"

"No, just shook up."

There's silence and then I hear, "Call the police and then call TMZ."

"You're kidding, right?" is all that slips out of my mouth.

"No, seriously."

I know not to call the police because I used to work for LAPD and "no injury means no report."  I also never call TMZ cause, well… in simple east coast talk; "That ain't my style!"  We all exchange information, but The Prince of Darkness's Wife never once gets out of the car and I never get to meet her.

That was the end of that.  I got the information, went home and called my insurance company.  Then called off sick from work, got a rent a car and life went on because everyone's paperwork was correct.  It was a simple accident in the end and the real reason why we all have car insurance or should have it, but there was no incident, no paparazzi and no mention of any of this in The Hollywood Reporter, but when I would speak to the insurance companies, they would get very strange and try to talk without mentioning the name of The Prince of Darkness's Wife.

 I finally had to say to her insurance agent, "Look, I don't think I hit the million dollar lottery!  I'm not that way!  I know who caused the accident and I don't want anything except to get my car fixed."

There's a "thing" that happens out here that I have yet to really be able to wrap my mind around.  I forget that this is the world of Hollywood and that the paparazzi, the stalker-razzi and the press in general can turn a simple thing like a fender bender into a headline news story.  I also haven't come to terms with the fact that a person's celebrity status doesn't have a bearing on what I think about them.  I mean I'm not impressed because some "IT GIRL" makes the tabloids for being notorious or scandalous.  I don't care about that.  I also don't see me getting rich because of what I call "Fame by Association" or just having normal interactions with celebrities in a daily circumstance like exchanging information over an accident.  I actually think it's funny that I live here and got rear-ended but the Wife of the Princess of Darkness, but it never crossed my mind once that I might get rich off of it!

 I called a dear friend back home on the east coast that night and said, "You're not gonna believe who rear ended me today!" and when I told her, "The Prince of Darkness's Wife", my friend answered back, "Oh my god, you're so lucky!"

 I had to point out, "Hun, I was in a car accident with her, we didn't have tea and crumpets at The Roosevelt!"

 That's what the stigma of celebrity does; it changes people's perception and not just the person who becomes the celeb.  It changes every way people see them in the world and from what I see, that's a give up that I never want to experience.  Don't get me wrong, a nice chunk of change would make life easier, but calling TMZ or faking injury for the lawsuit, things that a long line of people had suggested… that's not my style and sounds like it's a big pain the ass to me more than anything!

 My friends think I am crazy and that I blew a chance to make a lot of money.  That's when the stories started to roll in!  A friend told me how an African-American A-list actor backed over her when she was walking to her car in the supermarket parking lot.  She also went on to explain, "If I knew then what I know now, I would've faked being injured and got my husband a recurring role on that guys TV show."

 I had this other buddy who when I first moved here would talk about this big producer from Beverly Hills who was going to put my friend in his next movie.  I thought "WOW! Networking does pay off!" until a month later my buddy's roomie told me over coffee that "He's not getting that role cause of networking!  He's getting that role because the producer ran a stop sign and hit his car!  This is the pay off!"

 I was shocked and still amazed that people would pull stunts like this!

 Maybe because I've been around it so long now or maybe because I know the old saying, "There is only one way to guarantee continued breathing and that's continued silence!"  That's just the way I was raised, but I also see this "Fame by Association" thing that happens out here as a way of selling your soul.  I have had arguments with several friends that you go to a party at your friends house with the intention of going to a party, not seeing it as an opportunity to network and make connections with your friends other friends!  You don't pick your friends according to their successes and you don't look to see what you can get out of the person next to you.

 You pick your friends for friendship and not their connections.

 You date the right person cause you like them and not for their accomplishments.

 AND when you have an accident, you exchange information and not look for the opportunity to bribe them.

 Maybe I'm the unrealistic one, but I'm not selling my soul for fame… but then again, I'm the schmoe that still opens the car door for a woman and believes in honor and chivalry, but what do I know??? Right?